Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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