I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
