mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize