god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
