I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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