we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
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