i think i have two assholes
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
