I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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