I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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