I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize