So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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