Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
