While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
