Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
dude. I can hear the air.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
