Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
