so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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