I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
