a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
