if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
