I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
