They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
