just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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