If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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