she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
