Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
