I'm eating all of the evidence.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
