Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
