i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
