I think I just saw someone hide a body.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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