the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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