go do what you do best...puke behind churches
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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