No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
