All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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