Define "chronic" masturbator.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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