Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he fucked my hip out of place.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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