guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize