i just made my gag reflex go away.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
