i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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