The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
