I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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