I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
