I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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