At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Is it penis luge time yet?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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