Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
