I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
