I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
