it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
