1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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