I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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