why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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