life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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