I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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