Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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