I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
