i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
