I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
