I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
