hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
