Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
