where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
