I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
